How to Get the Most from a Buffet

Ah, birthdays.

Each one of our kids' birthdays inspires joy and wonder in our hearts. For our oldest child, though, birthdays come with the added reminder of how long it's been since we've slept, as well as the sense that we have no idea what we're doing as we drive further into uncharted territory. So we're ecstatic, but also worn out and slightly terrified.

Our oldest son turned three this week, which means he's finally old enough to choose what he wants for his special birthday dinner. Mostly. We talked him out of Wendy's, which I still feel somewhat guilty about, but when we rattled off a list of restaurants, he liked the sound of the local buffet because we said it had grapes (turns out it didn't, but he was still happy with his choice). 

I love buffets. While pretty much any other restaurant will rob you blind, buffets give you the opportunity to really get your money's worth. Where else can you have steak, orange chicken, tacos, salmon, pizza, and Jell-O in the same meal?

Image credit: iFunny

But you have to be prepared. Before I go to a buffet, I train for it the same way a healthy person trains for a marathon. (I assume a marathon involves mac and cheese and breadsticks. I've never looked into it, personally.)

So how do you get the most from a buffet? Well, you don't achieve an abundant physique like mine without knowing a thing or two about stuffing yourself. Here's what I do to make the most of every trip to the buffet:

1. Don't Starve Yourself Beforehand

While it may seem like common sense to hit the buffet with an empty stomach, you set yourself up for failure by fasting. But it's not because your stomach will shrink if you don't eat, because that doesn't really happen. No, it's because your stomach will cramp up if you suddenly bombard it with twelve plates of every kind of meat known to man.

Eat a normal breakfast and lunch on the day of your conquest. Your stomach will reward you with the endurance you need to make it through that fifth rack of ribs.

2. Dress for Success

You likely already know jeans are your enemy. This is true everywhere, but especially at the buffet. Wear some loose-fitting pants with an elastic waistband instead; it could mean the difference between eating only two plates of General Tso's chicken or eating seven.

Worth it? Worth it.
Image credit: Smithsonian Asian Pacific American Center

And here's a trick I learned from my days in the hospitality business: A lot of restaurants keep their air conditioning up in order to discourage you from staying too long. It's not that they don't like you; they just want to get you out so they can bring more guests in. If you bring a light jacket, you can stay--and eat--much longer.

3. Use the Restroom Before Your Meal

Make whatever room you can. Moving on. . . .

4. Follow a Plan

Before you start filling your first plate, do a dry run of the entire buffet so you know everything that's available to you. Then make your battle plan.

I like to fill my first plate with fruits and vegetables because my stomach processes them easier, so they'll spend the least amount of time in there. Starting with the healthier stuff also staves off the guilt when I go back for eight helpings of meat.

Image credit: Dump a Day

Take small portions. Not only is it the polite thing to do, you can always go back for more of what you like. It's also easier to devour a variety of little things than it is to conquer an entire heaping plate of just one item, so you can trick yourself into eating more.

Finally, save the breads for last, if you must have them. They take up a lot of valuable stomach space without offering much return on your investment. And speaking of stomach space . . .

5. Drink Water

Soda fills your stomach with gas bubbles that will make you feel full when you really aren't. And milk is just too thick. If you want to completely destroy the buffet, sip water with your meal; it'll help with digestion without making you feel too full.

6. Skip Those Tiny Dessert Bowls

Dessert is your glorious finish line, so don't fizzle out with the little bowls the restaurant puts by the ice cream machine. Go across the buffet and grab a soup bowl and a dinner plate! Pile it on. Pile it all on. You earned this.

7. Do Something Nice for Yourself When You're Done

The one great rule of buffets is this: if you don't hate yourself, you're doing it wrong. So do something nice for yourself when you're done. Block out the rest of your night. Take off your pants and sleep for twelve hours. You've worked hard, you buffet champion, you.

Image credit: PandaWhale

If you do the buffet right, you'll actually save money by not having to eat for a few days. Or you'll die. But you'll probably take a whole city block with you, so you'll never be forgotten, at least. Either way, you'll thank me.

Do you have any awesome buffet tips to add to these? Let me know in the comments!