6 Unsettling Reasons Not to Live in Lego City

As a lifelong Lego fan, I have many fond memories of friendly tabletop towns and little yellow people with perpetually smiling faces. I think most of us do.

How many of us have dreamed of shrinking down to minifigure size and inhabiting our toy utopia? 

I sure have. 

Lego is happy. Lego is safe. Who wouldn't want to live in a world like that?

Well, take those rose-colored glasses off, because here's some real talk: moving to a place like Lego City is pretty much the worst thing you can do.

Don't believe me? Here are six reasons you should stay away from the alleged plastic paradise:

1. Crime in Lego City is Sky High

Chris Malloy describes Lego City as "the world's most crime-ridden city." Indeed, of the seventeen Lego City sets revealed so far for 2017, eight feature police locked in intense, improbable chases--just a few to add to a list of Lego police sets already pages long.

I have no problem with police. But why does Lego City need so many?

To manage a gigantic population of bold, resourceful criminals, that's why.

In 2017 alone, we'll see an ATM blown apart with dynamite, a bulldozer busting out the wall of a bank, and a tow truck driver making off with a giant safe. And that's only the start.

Just a day in the life of a Lego citizen.

This seriously happens every single day here.
Image credit: The Brothers Brick

And here's something else that should trouble you about these miscreants: they're all wearing jailbird stripes.

As in, they've all broken out of jail. Every one of them.

But that's not hard when the city police station comes built with easy escapes: trapdoors, collapsing walls, and probably a police mole or two. And don't expect anyone to do anything about it. This has been a problem at least since 1995, when Lego police chased a minifig officially named Jailbreak Joe.

You don't get a name like that without a reputation.

Too easy.
Image credit: The Brothers Brick

But if you don't mind the high crime rate, you should at least consider that:

2. Chances Are Your House Will Burn Down

Next to law enforcement, firefighting is the most common profession in Lego City. Either minifigs can't turn off the dang stove, or there's a serious problem with arson.

"This is our third fire today. Let's take a group photo in front of it!"
Image credit: Brickset

Based on the crime rate, I'd say arson. Minifigs are horrible, horrible people.

3. Construction Will Drive You Insane

Every city has construction. And everybody hates it.

In Lego City, construction never stops (probably due, in part, to all the fires). Construction Lego sets are nearly as constant as police and fire sets.

For Lego locals, that means a life full of stopped traffic, closed sidewalks, and hard hats.

Arson keeps these guys in a job.
Image credit: Brickset

4. Lego City Sorely Undervalues Education

If you want to send your kids to a good school--or any school--Lego City is not the place to do it. Locals have precious few options for education: either they can travel to the high school in neighboring Heartlake City, open an interdimensional portal to the Elvendale School of Dragons, or take a literal dive and enroll in Mrs. Puff's Boating School.

Is it any wonder, then, that out of a sample population of 121 minifigs over the course of seven years, only one graduated from an accredited institution? That's an embarrassing 0.8% graduation rate.

This guy has an amazing resume just for showing up.
Image credit: Lego Asia

And museums? There isn't a single museum in Lego City that isn't either getting robbed or under investigation by the gang from Scooby Doo.

Stay in school, kids. Don't move to Lego City.

5. You'll Probably Have a Heart Attack and Die

Burgers and pizza have reigned supreme in Lego City ever since the Hamburger Stand set up shop in 1983. Pizza even became such an iconic part of the Lego universe that the plot of the 1997 computer game Lego Island revolved around using the delicious plastic pies to recapture an escaped convict.

In hindsight, this game made zero sense.
Image credit: Reddit

Lego citizens never saw their first apple until 1997. But pizza still goes strong: in 2017, Lego City will be getting a brand new pizza van.

What can I say? Minifigs love their greasy food. It's just too bad they probably won't get any medical attention: only four viable Lego hospitals have been released since the 1970's.

"Maybe you should lay off the pizza."
"Maybe you should shut up."
Image credit: Brickset

6. Everyone Wants to Leave

If there's one thing Lego City knows how to do, it's aviation.

They've got airports for days.

They've got more airports than hospitals.

They've got more airports than schools.

It would make you think Lego City was some kind of tourism hot spot. And you would think wrong.

Lego City needs a lot of airports because everybody wants to leave.

Just look at the box art for any old airplane Lego set. Any plane that's in the air is taking off.

Check it out:

These lucky folks are leaving.
Image credit: Brickset

These ones, too!
Image credit: Brickset

Away they go!
Image credit: Brickset

You don't see this so much in newer sets. Most new Lego airplanes are shown on the ground, loading and unloading passengers and cargo.

Don't believe it for a second. It's propaganda.

Because the powers that reign over Lego City don't want you to leave.

They want to lull you into thinking all is well in their town.

But once you set foot there, nothing will be well for you ever again.