Thomas the Tank Engine Portends Humanity's Dark Future

Sometimes when I feel sorry for myself for not pursuing dentistry or engineering, I like to Google lists of the world's most useless professions and laugh at the poor souls who became pet psychics and U.N. weapons inspectors. It always makes me feel better about my English degree, and I do some of my best writing afterward.

But every list leaves off the world's most truly useless job. And it's actually critical to man's survival that we stop ignoring it right now.

What is this useless, dangerous profession?

Train engineer on the Island of Sodor.

Absolutely useless.
Image source: Thomas Wiki

Tell me I'm not the only one who's watched Thomas the Tank Engine and thought, Why do they even have drivers? The trains on Sodor get away with more crap than a Donald Trump campaign. Thomas wants to race a bus across the island? No problem. Henry wants to hide in a tunnel so the rain doesn't ruin his paint? Sure, let's drive right on in there. It's not like they have a schedule to keep, or anything.

"See that lever? It does nothing."
Image source: Thomas Wiki

Engineers have no power on the Island of Sodor. At best they lend a voice of reason and nothing more. But if James wants to knock train cars around the yard, Jiminy Cricket's not going to stop him. Bill and Ben can prank Sir Topham Hat to their hearts' (boilers'?) content and come out of it with no worse than new coats of paint.

I wish that were the limit of the problem. But its ramifications reach far. That bus Thomas raced across the island? The race was the bus' idea. Bertie the Bus willfully risked the lives of passengers in a move that made Grand Theft Auto look like Mario Kart. And don't think the roads and train tracks are all you have to watch: sentient machines like Harold the Helicopter roam the sky of Sodor, too.

More like Harold the Harbinger of Death.
Image source: Heroes Wikia

The message is clear: humanity is weak. A machine uprising is coming, and we are powerless against it. Don't let their smiling faces and cute whistles fool you; as soon as they get the chance, Thomas and his friends will go Terminator on us all.

Go ahead and laugh. But when this thing lands on the streets of L.A., it will already be too late.