No, You CAN'T Put Bacon in a Pop-Tart

I love bacon.

I love the way the house smells when I cook bacon. I love the crunchy sweetness of a slice of bacon that collided with the syrup on my pancakes. I love the life a little bit of bacon brings to an ordinary cheeseburger. I love a summer BLT, where bacon makes its best performance teamed with crispy lettuce and homegrown tomatoes. 

I'm convinced that magic does exist. It just goes by another name: bacon.

So perhaps you can imagine my excitement when at the store last night I found--wait for it--maple bacon Pop-Tarts.

What is this sorcery?! I thought. Bacon flavor . . . in a Pop-Tart? 

I admit it frightened me at first. But then again, I have tried bacon doughnuts, bacon pancakes, and I think even bacon cookies, and those turned out okay. So it didn't take much time for me to warm up to the idea of a maple bacon Pop-Tart. I had to buy a box and check it out.

There's some very dark magic going on here.
Image credit: walmart.com

I usually wait till Sunday to try out new Pop-Tart flavors. Sunday is Pop-Tart day at my house; it makes the Sabbath feel a little extra special, and the quick breakfast helps us get to church on time. But the more I thought about it this morning, the less I could resist tearing into my brand new maple bacon Pop-Tarts. I had to find out what this strange new combination would be like; there's no way I could have waited five more days.

AND HOLY NASTINESS.

I don't intend to blaspheme against the Internet's favorite food. I would actually still try bacon brownies, bacon cupcakes, bacon pie, and bacon ice cream. I'm fine with the idea of bacon soap and bacon perfume. I'm even on board with the bacon suit jacket.

But the moment that maple bacon Pop-Tart touched my tongue, I knew it: we have gone too far. 

Mankind has grown arrogant. We think we can put bacon flavor in a Pop-Tart and the universe will look away. But what next? Today it's toaster pastries. Tomorrow it will be peanut butter sandwiches, or apple juice, or assault rifles. How far do we have to fall before good people stand up and say, "Enough!"? How long will this be okay?

The box says "Limited Edition." But I fear the nightmare's just beginning.